Lately for some reason I've been thinking about my "love" life. Or lack thereof. I'm not in a relationship. But i love to be in them. I don't think I'm one of those "i need to be in a relationship to feel good about myself" people but it does feel good knowing you can always go back to that one person that's always gonna be there. I've been single for 363 days now. I look back on the last year of my life and think about the "candidates" and who is the front runner. Am i leading them on? all of them have heard about the infamous JON. my ex. the one i hold on the pedestal. I think i kinda scare them off when i tell stories of how jon treated me.i mean i've been told "i dont think i can be the man you want me to be...." all because they're intimidated. they know how I feel about him. And how i can go back or how i should go back...but why not? well me and him aint whats poppin right now. not the right timing. i need to experience somethin else. so does that mean i will use my next boyfriend? i aint gonna lie i'm kind of scared to get a new one. the what ifs go through my head. What if he don't measure up? What if people think i downgrade? What if we don't work out? The last thing i wanna do is get in a relationship knowing that it won't compare. You're supposed to elevate right? No one wants to take a step back in anything they do. But you gotta look at them for who they are and what u see them as....
This one: actually lemme think of somethin good about This One. hmmm idk he just irked my nerves. it was ok at first then it's like ::LIGHT BULB::WTF. wasnt my type at all. looks, personality, style, swag (which there was none), anything! he's my "what was i thinkin???" person. come on ladies u know we all have them...don't play me. He's a nice person at heart tho...but nothin i could be in a relationship with which works out cuz i didn't want one with him in the first place. i think he started bein the girl in the "relationship" which i dont like. ya know the where u at, what u doin, who u wit, why you with him questions....uhh holup u aint my boyfriend.
That One: ::long sigh:: he was gorgeous. lol so gorgeous but such an ass hole and so detached....and i loved it. but he's the "i'm scared of commitment type" and i'm pretty sure he was a low key ho...DAMMIT!...but its cool. i didn't want a relationship with him jus wanted him to be on my arm....unofficially...kinda made that happen now that i think about it but nahh he was a no go...just somethin to show off....damn he was fine tho
Out of the Blue: He was random. we supposed to be like cousins. bros and sis. and he came outta nowhere tryna get at me. sayin lil hints and makin comments....uhhh REWIND can we back this up! Ain't you workin on somethin (that was went thru my head). then u get the "we dont have commitments right now and bla bla bla." uhh nope! then he asked to taste me....no comment. LMAO my humor...i luv it. but he cool. we still cool. he still not my type and still aint goin nowhere with me...at least not on that level...
My lil Secret: then there's this one i haven't told any one about. He's really random. we connect. it's soooo much chemistry between us. last person i would think i would be attracted to! same interests, a lot of the same views, good conversation...it would be so perfect. we're both ass holes. he love material. i could fall in love with him. Things between us are SO simple but yet so complicated at the same time. Late night texts msgs (i luv textin), sense of humor. he's kinda perfect 4 me. i mean no one is perfect but right now he is. until i see any faults in him and as of right there have been none. he's different. and i like it. not like the others. he's creative. Like i said he was out of the blue. we connected so fast. he's my fav! He makes me think a lot. Me likey!
Yeah Yeahs: those are the ones that say stuff so they can hear themselves. the type that wanna "get with u" and "wanna get to kno you" but never attempted to. what does that translate into? i want to fuck. and that's when they talk. saying everything except the words, "i wanna fuck you" and my reply is a sigh accompanied with a lackadaisical "yeah yeah yeah." The words blow right over me like a breeze. or the ones who say "i never said anything because.." dont be scared! its just me! i'll give u some time to feel u out. works out for both of us.
So yeah...there's just a synopsis of a few. so what's goin on with me? idk...i'm just tired of people asking do i have a boyfriend. Tired of feeling like i have boyfriends (one for emotions, one for security blah blah) . But AHSHANTI does not have an official man! i have friends though. let's jus c which way the wind blows...CHEA!
A. Shine
